Read “Parenting with Purpose: Raising Men of Honor (Introduction)“
for overarching lessons and themes throughout these years.

Read “Parenting with Purpose” age-based descriptions
for specific principles and processes at each age.

Parenting Challenging Topics

Some matters are particularly challenging for parents to address with their preteens and teenagers.

Yet handling these with thoroughness, sensitivity, and wisdom is vital to developing an informed teen able to cope with wordly pressures and temptations.

Below is a description of what our family did with our teenagers. These were personal choices we made. What is presented below is not to be a prescription for what you should do — parents must decide what will work best for them and their families. However, hopefully you can get some ideas to help in your decision-making.

**What we chose to do and the freedoms we allowed our teens was only possible after developing a long history of trust and dependability with them (as described in “Parenting with Purpose”). **

Good character, wise decision-making, and trust
were benchmarks of all these delicate issues.

Relationships & Sex:

    • Introduction to healthy relationships begins in the family – a pattern of positive communication, support, mutual respect, kindness, and cooperation are modeled by the parents for the children from a young age.

    • At age 10, when our young preteens were about to begin going into the world more independently, we sat down privately with them to give them specific and detailed but age-appropriate information about male and female differences, puberty, sexual reproduction, and romantic relationships.

      The book Almost 12 by Kenneth N. Taylor  (version sold by Sonlight.com — other versions not recommended) was used as a resource – it is small, concise, and fact-oriented.   On their own, they read  The Boy’s Body Book which addresses a wide variety of changes their body, their relationships, and their life will undergo in the following several years.    (A recommended book for girls is The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Younger Girls and The Care and Keeping of You 2: The Body Book for Older Girls.)

    • From this point forward, our preteens and teens read a series of books called Learning about Sex published by Concordia Publishing House.  These books discuss a variety of issues faced by preteens and teens in a clear, age-appropriate manner based in family values.  There are several books for ages preschool all the way through adolescence for both boys and girls.

    • As our children traveled through the adolescent journey, we stressed the importance of good character, and wise and deliberate decision-making.  We also impressed upon them the long-term importance of value and respect in relationships, and restraint in physical involvement without emotional and spiritual compatibility and commitment. 

Television, Movies, and Music:

Television:

      • Other than a few kids’ animated shows when our kids were very young, we watched very little television because we did not think there was much of quality to watch and preferred doing other things with our time.

      • However, we did use online streaming resources for a few favorite shows.  We especially liked informative reality shows such as Survivorman and Man vs. Wild. 

Movies:

      • We didn’t watch full-length movies when our kids were very young.  As they became school-age, we enjoyed age-appropriate movies together such as Toy Story and The Incredibles.

      • As the kids got older, the types of movies changed – Star Wars series, Harry Potter series, and all the Marvel movies dominated our choices and led to regular movie nights.  

      • I personally love movies based on true stories, and their father was fascinated with historical movies, so we watched a number of those as well.  

      • During the preteen and teen years, most of the movies we watched were PG-13.  However, if movies were true stories or exceptional in other ways, we would watch some rated R movies (usually not until they were at least 14 or 15) such as Schindler’s List, Hacksaw Ridge, We Were Soldiers, Gladiator, and Saving Private Ryan.  We always had discussions of the disturbing scenes and language in the context of character and family values. 

Music:

      • We listened to a variety of kid and classical music when the kids were toddlers and preschoolers and elementary age.
         
      • As they grew into preteen and teen years, they of course were interested in pop music.   We as parents did not monitor nor restrict their music.  However, they were very familiar with our family values and our emphasis on making wise decisions as to what they allowed into their personal worlds, into their minds, and into their souls.

         

      • Our teens knew our family values and respected us enough to talk with us if they wanted to listen to or watch something that we might find objectionable. 

        They would present their reasons, and we would discuss the reasons for the “explicit” (music), “mature” (TV), or “R” (movies) rating.   We would usually reinforce our values and morals, talk about the impact of the objectionable components, and then impress upon them making wise and moral decisions for themselves.

        Sometimes they would proceed; other times they would decide against it.  Regardless of their decision, by us parents not outright refusing them, any motivation they had for going behind our back or needing to be sneaky and defy us was eliminated.  Additionally, we kept the lines of communication open with our teenagers.  

        (Specific example:  Two sons wanted to listen to music by a rapper fraught with cursing and offensive material.  After our discussion, they decided to proceed initially but stopped listening shortly thereafter and lost any desire for that type of music.)  


Though we as parents strove to guide and mentor our preteens and teens toward moral decision-making and self-discipline related to TV, movie, and music choices, if we saw their choices were corrupting their character, they knew we held the trump card to what ultimately was allowed into our home.  

It is a careful balance between letting your teens have real-world experiences and make life-lesson mistakes while in the safety of a nurturing home, and pursuing a pattern of self-destructive, corrupting behaviors.  The former we allowed; the latter we did not.

Theme in our parenting
related to pop culture images and messages: 

We are surrounded by language, images, situations, and choices
that may be contrary to what is good and healthy
for our minds, hearts, and souls, 
and don’t match the character and values
we are trying to develop. 

We live in the world,
but don’t have to adopt its ideas and values. 
We have to filter and decide what we let into our minds and our souls. 
Guard your heart, mind, and soul.

Computers & Phones/Devices:

    • During ELEMENTARY years (ages 5-9), children could use a computer in the family room for specific purposes and for limited periods of time.  The computer was used for schoolwork, educational computer games, and a limited “free time” on the computer if earned (30-minutes to 1 hour/day). 
      (See “Parenting with Purpose” for details of how to earn this time.)

    • During PRETEEN years (ages 10-12), computers were of course used heavily for schoolwork but were also available for longer periods of time and for more varied purposes. 

      Preteens were encouraged to use the computer for learning and discovering.   The importance of trust, responsibility, and leading a balanced life was repeatedly emphasized as this was the cornerstone of computer privileges (and all privileges).  

      Time limits on “screens” were still imposed, but more time was allowed, especially if preteens were researching or learning something.  One preteen was studying art, one was creating and posting music, and another was learning computer programming. 

      Parents keep broad oversight and maintain the right to review all history.  Preteens knew if they ever erased browser history or “clicked out” of a screen when a parent walked into the room, the consequence was immediate suspension of privileges as it would be assumed the preteen was being sneaky.        

    • During TEEN years (ages 13-15), trust, responsibility, and wise decision-making became the basis for all privileges.  If teens proved themselves in these areas, more and more freedom was allowed in terms of what they did on the computer and how long they were able to be on. 

      Teens could earn use of their own smartphone and laptop with the understanding these were owned by the parents but were available for their use as long as they were responsible, wise, and trustworthy.   Part of this wise decision-making was what they did on the computer/devices, how long they were on, and in what other non-screen life-enhancing interests and activities they were engaged.   All of these things were discussed on a routine basis.       

    • During LATER TEEN years (ages 16-17), we parents took a more hands-off, encouraging, mentoring approach to computers and screens, preparing them for adulthood. 

      Only if major violations of expectations occurred over a period of time did parents consider removing privileges with the message that parents were not going to finance and provide electronics for someone who is not working hard, being responsible, and acting in a wise and moral manner. 

    • A few guidelines and limitations related to computers, phones, and other devices were clearly communicated:  

✤  To gain and maintain privileges, teen must be responsible and trustworthy, do consistently well on schoolwork, and lead a balanced well-rounded life.

✤  No internet accounts can be established without parents’ knowledge & permission

✤  Parents must have all passwords for all accounts (this was true as long as parents had legal responsibility for minor).

✤  Any sneaky, lying, or deceptive behaviors, or excessive use leads to immediate revocation of privileges.

Social Media:

    • Establishment of any social media accounts (like all accounts) had to be approved by parents.   They were allowed if age-appropriate and if family expectations were being met.

      Just like all accounts, parents had the passwords and maintained the right to review at any time.  

      Because a high level of trust and consistent pattern of wise and moral decisions had to be established to even set up an account, parents did not feel the need to “join” these social media accounts or micromanage them. 

    • Discussions of benefits and dangers occurred before any social media use.   Any sneakiness or misuse resulted in loss of privileges.  

Cars & Driving:

    • As soon as our teens turned 15, they took online driver’s education, got their learner’s permit, and began behind the wheel driving.  We wanted them to have as much supervised driving experience as possible so had them drive in increasingly challenging situations.

      When they turned 16, they took the test for their driver’s license.  Being independent drivers was important as they began community college classes at 16 and potentially also got a job.  

    • A somewhat low-mileage reliable vehicle two or three years old was purchased for their use.  If they took care of the vehicle and stayed free of tickets and accidents, this would become their vehicle when they turned 18.

    • The vehicle was provided to the teen for approved purposes only.  We paid for the gas for travel related to their education and extracurricular activities.  They paid for gas related to jobs and fun.

      We never had this issue, but our teens knew that if they took the vehicle for unapproved purposes or without our knowledge, the vehicle would be reported to the police as stolen.

    • When the teens first began driving independently and when they drove out of town, they would text when they arrived and also when they left their destination.

      They were taught how to use a paper map, a map and directions printed from the computer, and a map app (e.g., Google Maps, Safari Maps).  It was important for them to be able to find their way without a map app on their phone in those rare instances that they would not have internet.

    • We know many parents use an app to track their teens’ whereabouts.  We did not do this.

      If our teens had not over a period of years earned our trust through responsible behaviors and wise decision-making, they would not have a driver’s license or vehicle to use.  Our teens had smartphones to assist with directions and knew they could call us whenever needed.

      Being responsible for themselves and their vehicle was another step toward adulthood in our family. 

Education Choices:

    • We had a number of reasons for choosing to pursue an independently-driven academic path (see Raising Scholars: The Impetus), primarily to provide a custom challenging, enriching, and inspiring education for our children.   We discussed with our children our reasons and goals for pursuing this non-institutional education, and at the end of every year would review how we were carrying out our goals and get our kids feedback and suggestions for the next year.

       

    • Institutional education (i.e., public school) was never not an option if that is what we thought was best or if that is what our children wanted.   We presented the positives and negatives of each.

      In fact, if our children engaged in ongoing resistance to our academic pursuits and goals including not working diligently, not trying their best, or other acts of irresponsibility, they were informed that alternatives to the education provided by us would be pursued. 

      At no time did our children want to pursue alternatives, and the thought of not being able to be involved in the education we were providing was sufficient to correct any behaviors.  The flexibility and ability to work at their own pace were strong benefits of our custom education.  Later, the ability to earn a significant number of college hours in high school was seen as a large benefit.