PREVIOUS: Parenting with Purpose ~ Introduction (Read First)
This provides overarching lessons & themes throughout the years
Parenting with Purpose: Honing Character & Interests (ages 10-12)
Overarching Vision:
Character and faith were of the highest importance in raising our sons.
We strove to raise well-disciplined and responsible children
with a strong work ethic and hunger for knowledge
who treated those around them with kindness and respect.
Ongoing Reminders for the Parent:
** LOVE is at the center of all PARENTING **
** Model patience, kindness & respect **
** Keep communication clear and simple **
Implementing the Vision:
* Overview:
As preteens enter the teenage world,
they have learned all the basic skills for success.
Parents now mentor their teens
to consistently using these skills such as
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- effective time management,
- intentional financial decision-making,
- dedicated effort on their academic work,
- consistency in carrying out responsibilities,
- self-control over behaviors, and
- mindfulness in protecting their character.
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Easier said than done as these teenagers are more in the world and experience societal and peer pressures. However, it is because of these increasingly outside pressures that these teens need the solid and caring relationship with their parents the most.
Parents support, encourage, and mentor their young teenagers every step of the way, especially as it comes to making good decisions. They listen as their teenagers work through difficult situations and offer guidance as needed and requested.
For making consistently good decisions, maintaining trust with parents, and fulfilling all their personal and academic responsibilities, the teenagers are eligible to receive some of the biggest privileges of their time, their own smartphone and laptop.
* Parent Role: “Guide & Coach” ➔ “Mentor”
* Behaviors & Discipline: “Owning the problem…and the solution ~~ Mastering self-discipline.”
A FIRM FOUNDATION:
A firm foundation and pattern of respectful and self-controlled behaviors and attitudes based on honorable character have been honed for a number of years. While varying and unfamiliar situations will arise (as they will for the rest of their lives), teenagers at this age have the tools for making wise decisions and have been guided through this process a number of times.
The teens have built a positive trusting relationship with the parents and can increasingly be trusted to be on their own for increasingly longer periods of time.
This firm foundation and relationship with the parents is vital
as the adolescents enter this challenging
and at times tumultuous period of their lives
preparing for adulthood.
MENTORING THROUGH PROBLEMS:
When teenagers seem to push back against the rules and expectations of the family and home, autocratic discipline used when they were young children has no place at this stage and can lead to outright rebellion.
These adolescents are trying to discover themselves, strive toward adulthood, and seek greater independence in making their own decisions and controlling their own lives.
What they need now from their parents is support, encouragement, advice, and guidance. They need someone who can mentor them through difficult situations and difficult decisions. They also need grace and understanding when they make honest mistakes.
When a behavioral issue arises, talk with the teens about the issue in a collaborative, supportive manner. Help them identify the problem and let them explore how it affects them, their relationships, and their future.
Discuss the importance of them owning the problem and the solution. Help them identify specific things they are going to do to make necessary changes, as well as the next steps if they do not follow-through on needed changes.
The issue, solution, and next steps should be written down by the teen mainly to ensure that the teen and parent clearly understand each other and are in agreement — the teen is held accountable for following through.
If an initial idea for a solution doesn’t work as sometimes they don’t, the issue is addressed again.
If teens are consistently or intentionally not meeting expectations with academic work, behaviors, and responsibilities, removal of privileges and/or extra work is appropriate. After all, privileges come with fulfilling family expectations.
POWERFUL PRIVILEGES:
Powerful privileges are available at this stage such as more freedom, a smartphone, and their own computer, but these are directly tied to demonstrating good character, consistently fulfilling responsibilities, and giving their best effort with academic pursuits.
The teens’ role is likened to an adults’ with academics being their full-time job. If employees are not doing well at their job and maintaining acceptable conduct, they do not stay employed and therefore do not get paid, especially not with extra privileges like bonuses. This analogy can be meaningful as teens look toward adulthood.
* Responsibilities: “Routines for a Lifetime”
Repeated Message:
” These responsibilities are not just for our home;
they are routines for a lifetime.”
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- Hygiene: With their changing bodies, the hygiene learned in the last two stages Exploration & Fun and Honing Character & Interests are well-established habits by now, and the teens understand hygiene is critical for cleanliness.
- Daily Responsibilities: (Also listed on Raising Scholars academic goals checklist)
- Hygiene: With their changing bodies, the hygiene learned in the last two stages Exploration & Fun and Honing Character & Interests are well-established habits by now, and the teens understand hygiene is critical for cleanliness.
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- Make bed + tidy bedroom
- Wipe down bathroom sink & toilet
- Put used dishes at sink or in dishwasher; Empty dishwasher as needed
- Take care of one animal (cat, dog, other animals)
- Always clean up after self, leaving area as good or better than you found it
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- Weekly responsibilities: (see Chore List in RESOURCES below)
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- Clean bedroom & bathroom (vacuum/mop, dust, sanitize, etc.)
- Clean one common area: Family room, Bonus common room, or Outside
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- Mowing & weedeating added to chores for outside area
- Rotated among children each MONTH
- Completed no later than Saturday noon before fun/privileges
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- Weekly responsibilities: (see Chore List in RESOURCES below)
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- Fix own breakfast & lunch; prepare occasional dinners
- Do own laundry
- Learn home repair – teens learn & assist whenever home repair needed
- Assist with occasional larger family projects inside and outside the home
- Fix own breakfast & lunch; prepare occasional dinners
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* Activities: “Character, Leadership, Service & Fun”
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- Activities begun in preteen years will usually continue during these early teen years. It’s important to choose ones that have the teen’s interest but also are consistent with family values and develop them as men (or women) of honor, developing character, providing opportunities for leadership, and nurturing a spirit of service towards others.
Activities that include physical exercise and positive social interactions are very important as their academic load increases, and they are more susceptible to peer pressure and worldly temptations.
- For our family, scouts and martial arts continued to consume much of our extracurricular time. Speech and debate competitions, writing pursuits and competitions, and music were also a part of our extracurricular life.
- We wanted our teens to experience other cultures and walks of life through volunteering/service projects and foreign travel, so we began engaging in shorter local mission opportunities and going on longer foreign mission trips during these ages.
- Activities begun in preteen years will usually continue during these early teen years. It’s important to choose ones that have the teen’s interest but also are consistent with family values and develop them as men (or women) of honor, developing character, providing opportunities for leadership, and nurturing a spirit of service towards others.
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* Finances:
(See “Teaching Financial Responsibility” for complete detailed information)
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- Allowance ceases during this stage. Routine chores & responsibilities, excellent academic work, and kind and respectful behaviors should all be habits by now.
- Teens are given opportunities to earn money with paid jobs (beyond routine chores). Some decide to pursue an entrepreneurial venture such as lawn care, dog walking, or babysitting. In our home, since we don’t live in a neighborhood, these extra jobs included ranch and rental home work. Quality work for the paid jobs was expected. They were paid by the job (versus by the hour) according to going rate in the community for similar work. Paying for the job instead of by the hour encouraged them to work efficiently with a quality end product.
- Teens can also earn money by selling belongings on eBay that are no longer used (e.g., Legos, electronics).
- Parents discuss with teens the principles outlined in Teaching Financial Responsibility. The teen then decides how much of earnings should go in savings (which was most of it), and how much was held back for “spending.”
- In 10th grade, the teens read financial management books as part of Life Skills Course. (See Raising Scholars: Spreading Wings for more on this.)
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* Education: “Roots & Wings”
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- Teens are learning to be scholars as they increasingly take ownership of their education. They schedule their own academic days and weeks, and higher understanding, critical thinking, analysis, and synthesis are increasingly incorporated into all academic subjects.
Scholars’ work is challenging, enriching, and hopefully inspiring. High standards of excellence and responsibility are expected with significant perks and freedoms resulting.
- For more detailed information about academic pursuits at this level, see
- Teens are learning to be scholars as they increasingly take ownership of their education. They schedule their own academic days and weeks, and higher understanding, critical thinking, analysis, and synthesis are increasingly incorporated into all academic subjects.
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* Perks:
If teen has demonstrated consistent reliability and trustworthiness in areas of personal responsibilities, behaviors, and academics, the teen is eligible for a smartphone and a laptop computer. The smartphone is not necessarily new and does not necessarily carry a data plan (we did not pay for a data plan until our teens were 16 and driving).
The teens understand these perks are a privilege and not a right ~ having and keeping the phone and computer are contingent on the teens’ behaviors and on responsible management of the devices.
Additionally, teens understand that the parents have legal responsibility for them and thus retain the right to review/monitor ALL activity on the smartphone and computer. (In reality, we only reviewed content if we had cause for concern. After all, if the teens have not been trustworthy, they will not get a phone and laptop anyway.)
Resources
♦ “Car Ownership – Things to Know”