PREVIOUS:  Parenting with Purpose ~ Introduction  (Read First)
This provides overarching lessons & themes throughout the years

Parenting with Purpose: Exposure & Interaction (ages 1-4)

Overarching Vision:

Character and faith were of the highest importance in raising our sons.  
We strove to raise well-disciplined and responsible children
with a strong work ethic and hunger for knowledge
who treated those around them with kindness and respect.

Ongoing Reminders for the Parent:

** LOVE is at the center of all PARENTING **
** Model patience, kindness & respect **
** Keep communication clear and simple **

Implementing the Vision:

* Overview:

During preschool years (ages 1-4), the young children have learned

      • basic manners, 
        • basic hygiene, and
          • basic principles of picking up after themselves and keeping their room tidy. 

They have learned not following directions promptly without whining or complaining results in immediate consequences.

They have had many experiences exposing them to the wide wonderful world around them. 

The foundations have been laid
for learning and discovering so much more. 

In this stage when they are 5-9 years old, the parent role transitions to be primarily teacher and nurturer. 

Children learn the fundamentals of a wide range of long-term life skills such as

      • how to manage their time,
      • how to make good behavioral decisions and interact appropriately with others,
      • how to take care of their body and contribute to care of the home, and
      • how to manage money. 

As these children mature, parents explain to them WHY certain rules in the family and in society exist, and teach them HOW to make good decisions.  Natural and logical consequences follow poor choices.  

While parents still care for and protect their children, the children are increasingly taught how to care for and protect themselves.  Teaching is not done in an impersonal way, though.

Through all this teaching
is the undercurrent of nurturing love.  

Formal education starts during this stage, and children become involved in a wide range of activities to explore interests and possibilities. 

At the heart of all the “teaching” that occurs at this age
is the development of character –
qualities of honesty, integrity, trustworthiness, respect, kindness, courtesy, generosity, and personal responsibility
are woven into all teaching moments. 

At the core of character development for many families, including ours, is a rich faith life which is nurtured every day. 

* Parent Role:      “Teacher & Nurturer”

* Behaviors & Discipline:      “Understanding & Self-Control”

WHAT THEY LEARN:

      • [Obedience and basic social behaviors and etiquette should be fairly well established in previous years.]

      • The reasons (the “why”) behind various rules in the home, socially-acceptable behaviors, manners and etiquette, and laws in society

      • Four main categories of standards/expectations in the family – privileges and allowance based on these

      • Key principles for deciding the acceptability or appropriateness of their own actions

      • How to make good decisions and exercise self-control over their behaviors

METHOD:

      • A few core standards/expectations of behavior for this age are established & posted in the kids’ common area – these are revisited frequently and referenced when violations occur.  These expectations are based on basic courtesy, boundaries, and respect for others and property.

      • There are four main categories of expectations (having just a few categories helps young children not feel overwhelmed):
          1. Taking care of home & belongings
          2. Taking care of self  (e.g., safety, hygiene)
          3. Acting in socially appropriate ways 
          4. Leading balanced life & doing your best
      • Daily behavior checklists are used as a concrete way for children to be reminded of what is expected – these are reviewed in the morning before the academic day starts and at the end of the academic day before they receive privileges (often computer/screen time).   
                 (See RESOURCES below for an example of a behavior checklist.)

      • Clear communication of expectations and follow-through of rewards and consequences are vital in the development of self-control and self-discipline.  Children cannot do what is expected if those expectations are not known or keep changing.

      • When discussing these behavioral expectations with the children, the expectation is not only stated but an explanation is provided about why it is important (e.g., safety, socially appropriate, golden rule, respectful, boundaries).  In the progression towards self-control, it is important for children to understand these reasons.  Demanding blind obedience at this age does not help children internalize these principles as their own which is what leads to self-discipline in the next stage.

      • Critical in this process is teaching frustration-management skills for those times the children become angry or frustrated and feel like acting out.  Teaching them to remove themselves from the situation, count to “10,” and distract self with another activity are just several strategies for dealing with these emotions.

      • The underpinning for honing all behaviors is character.  Behaviors are just concrete reflections of higher character qualities such as honesty, trustworthiness, integrity, kindness, respect.  Therefore behaviors, desirable and undesirable, should be discussed in context of character.

      • Once the children understand the reasons for the expectations, they are taught how to make decisions about their own behaviors in various situations.  For each behavioral choice, they ask themselves four questions:
          1. Would I want this done to me?   (AKA “Golden Rule”)
          2. Is this building my relationship?   (especially important for social interactions)
          3. Is this (socially) appropriate?
          4. Is this safe?

In general, if the answer is “no” to any of these questions, a different behavior should be chosen.  These questions are referenced frequently when talking with the children about their behavioral choices — keep these discussions short, simple, and consistent.

      • Poor behavior choices will happen.  When they do, parents remove the children from the situation and talk with them about their choices, review the expectations and questions to ask themselves in making those choices, and talk about how to make a more appropriate choice next time.  Depending on the situation, a consequence may be necessary, especially if the misbehavior was intentional and/or hurtful, but teaching and helping these children learn to exercise self-control and make good choices is the top priority.

      • One of the most important ways to encourage kind, respectful, appropriate behaviors and fulfillment of responsibilities is by tying allowance and privileges to these things.  At the end of the day, we would review the children’s day and determine screen privileges for the evening.  At the end of each week, we would review their week in terms of behaviors, responsibilities, and academic work (the big 3), then give out allowance and decide fun acivities for the weekend including weekend screens.

      • No disrespect (arguing, sassyness, talking back, complaining) is allowed, especially towards adults – immediate separation occurs (usually to room) until respectful tone and behavior are restored.  Message to children is whatever needs to be said can be said in kind and respectful tone and manner.  I always allowed my children to express their perspective or ask questions if done in a polite and respectful way – sometimes I had misperceived the situation or extenuating circumstances existed.  I wanted my children to have a voice, though they understood my final decision was final. 

DISCIPLINE/CONSEQUENCES:

      • It is imperative that the parents maintain a calm, patient demeanor and tone when parenting, especially when addressing misbehavior and consequences. Parents model the kind and respectful behaviors they expect of their children.  This can be challenging when frustrated or exasperated.  If needed, the child can be sent to his/her room until the parent takes a “time-out” and calms down – doing this models effective anger-management strategies which the parent wants the children to emulate.

      • Consistent, creative discipline based on natural or logical consequences work best for correcting poor behavior choices:

        • If misbehavior is socially inappropriate, child is immediately removed from the situation.  Behavior is discussed in context of expectations, thoughts leading up to that behavior, impact of the behavior on others, the 4 questions to ask when making decisions, and alternative behavior choices. The extent of this discussion depends on the age of the child.  Older children may be directed to write a paragraph about the situation to get them to reflect and gain insight on their choices and impact on others and their relationships.  The child remains separated from others until he/she decides to act appropriately.

        • If one child offends/annoys another, offended person can choose consequence for the offender.  Of course, the parent can intercede if the consequence is excessive or inappropriate, but this did not happen once in our family.  In fact, my children often came up with better, more creative consequences than I did –some examples of consequences they imposed were “can’t come in my room till tomorrow,” “do my chores this week,” “can’t borrow my …. for 2 weeks.”  Ironically, this method of correction actually strengthened the relationships between the siblings.

        • If they claim to “forget” certain house rules/expectations (this was often an attempt of escaping other consequences), a consequence that worked well in our home was writing the rule and why we had the rule a set number of times, starting with 10 and increasing by 10 each time that rule was “forgotten.”  Amazingly, doing this helped them “remember” after not too many times.

        • If not cleaning/picking up after themselves (e.g., toys, dishes, clothes), several options (or combination of options):

          • If they claim “I forgot,” they can write sentences to “help them remember” (e.g., “I will put my things/dishes/clothes/toys away” or “I will clean up after myself”)

          • Parent can do it and charge them for this service (if they do not have enough money, they have to do work to earn it)

          • Allowance/privileges are restricted  — If this is a repeated problem, privileges are suspended until they have corrected the behavior. 

**Important for children to understand that when they do not pick up after themselves, the unspoken message to others is that someone else should do it which is disrespecting the other family member’s time and home.

      • If children have angry outbursts, they should be immediately removed to a quiet isolated place (e.g., their bedroom) in order to calm down – this should be framed as a way to help them regain their self-control.  They are taught eventually to remove themselves from situations when they feel themselves getting frustrated or angry until they regain composure.  This is an important life-long lesson in anger management. 

* Responsibilities:      “Contributing to Home & Family”  

Repeated Message:
” We all live in the home ~
we all contribute to maintaining the home.”

    • Hygiene:  
      • wash face
      • brush teeth & hair (morning)
      • shower (evening)
      • brush teeth (evening)

    • Daily Responsibilities:    (Also listed on Raising Scholars academic goals checklist)
      • Make bed + tidy bedroom 
      • Wipe down bathroom sink & toilet
      • Put used dishes at sink or in dishwasher;  Empty dishwasher as needed
      • Take care of one animal  (cat, dog, other animals)
      • Always clean up after self

    • Weekly responsibilities:    (see Chore List in RESOURCES below)
      • Clean bedroom & bathroom  (vacuum/mop, dust, sanitize, etc.)
      • Clean one common area (family room, bonus common room, outside)
          • Rotated among children each WEEK
          • Completed no later than Saturday noon before fun/privileges

    • Assist with occasional larger family projects inside and outside the home

    • Learn to fix basic meals for breakfast & lunch   
             (see “Breakfast & Lunch Options Even Kids Can Make” in RESOURCES below)

* Activities:       “Explore the Possibilities”

    • With academic demands being fairly light at this age, this is a great time to be involved in a variety of activities to explore interests — The options are endless, but here are a few examples: 
        • sports
        • art
        • music
        • community theater
        • outdoor adventure/nature programs
        • science discovery groups
        • fun classes at the community center
        • church activities

    • Whenever possible, we would try to do activities and even trips with friends and get together for “playdates” as often as possible.

    • Family time:  For us this was usually games, reading together & excursions.  Whatever activities your family enjoys, it’s important to spend quality time together developing bonds and building memories.

    • Experiential learning, “field” trips, fun and exploration!!  
        • Camping at state and national parks
        • Nature hikes
        • Hands-on science & children’s museums
        • Seeing nature’s and country’s wonders and historical sights

          (See Experiential Learning at its Best)

* Finances:

(See “Teaching Financial Responsibility” for complete detailed information)

    • Allowance given/earned for being a “responsible and respectful member of the family.”  ~~ This is NOT PAY for chores – chores are a part of contributing to the care of our family home.

    • Allowance divided into separate envelopes:  “Save” (40%), “Spend” (40%), and “Give” (20%).  Savings account at bank set up for “save” money.

    • Introduce “think for a week” before purchases ~ no impulse-buying allowed

* Education:    “Foundation and Fun”

    • Formal education begins – focuses on foundational knowledge & skills learned in a fun and engaging manner

* Perks: 

    • Before daily or weekly privileges are given, the “Big 3” family expectations (Responsibilities, Schoolwork, Behaviors) are reviewed.  Privileges (AKA “Perks”) are given in proportion to the child fulfilling these expectations.  
                (See “Before You Request Privileges…” in RESOURCES below)

    • Supervised access to communal computer for discovery and games

Resources

♦  Rules of the House

♦  EXAMPLE:  Chore List

♦  “Before You Request Privileges…”

♦  Breakfast & Lunch Options Even Kids Can Make

NEXT:  Parenting with Purpose: Honing Character & Interests (ages 10-12)