PREVIOUS:  Parenting with Purpose ~ Introduction  (Read First)
This provides overarching lessons & themes throughout the years

Parenting with Purpose: Spreading Wings (ages 13-15)

Overarching Vision:

Character and faith were of the highest importance in raising our sons.  
We strove to raise well-disciplined and responsible children
with a strong work ethic and hunger for knowledge
who treated those around them with kindness and respect.

Ongoing Reminders for the Parent:

** LOVE is at the center of all PARENTING **
** Model patience, kindness & respect **
** Keep communication clear and simple **

Implementing the Vision:

* Overview:

As the teenagers begin to act independently, the parents take a step back allowing them to cross this bridge.  

The teens make their own decisions related to
their time, their academics,
their money, and their future. 

Parents still guide and mentor their older teens but more and more become consultants, always available for advice when asked but only intervening when absolutely necessary. 

Parents impress upon their burgeoning adults
that their character and their reputation are enduring
and should be guarded carefully. 

As they learn to drive and begin taking community college classes, parents begin building a more adult relationship with their “children,” interested in their lives and invested in their success. 

The parents’ ability to make this transition in their role empowers the older teens and sets the stage for a positive adult relationship.  

* Parent Role:      “Mentor” ➔ “Consultant”

* Behaviors & Discipline:

“Your reputation precedes you – guard it carefully.” 

Parents back out of the parent role and become a collaborative consultant, available for advice, to answer questions, and to offer assistance in problem-solving. 

Parents check in frequently with their older teens to keep the lines of communication open, especially as their teens increasingly lead more independent lives with academics, jobs, and social relationships. 

Life experience, overcoming obstacles,
and handling mistakes
are the teens’ greatest teachers now. 

Parental issues and concerns are addressed in terms of character, future academic & occupational opportunities, legal ramifications, and ultimately their reputation which will follow them into adulthood. 

As much as possible, analogies and parallels with adult life are used.  For example, their academics are framed as the teens’ “full-time job.”  Cleaning up after themselves, keeping their areas (bathrooms and bedrooms) neat & tidy, and showing kind and respectful behavior are framed as habits and practices that should be used wherever they are.  Privileges follow hard work and good performance just like in a job situation.   Not following the laws (just like not following the rules at home) leads to consequences and sometimes incarceration, the ultimate loss of freedom.   

Using the adult analogies and parallels helps the teens see that all the training through the childhood years was not just for our home, but training for life. 

* Responsibilities:      “Becoming Independent”

Repeated Message:
“Skills and habits for independent living.” 

      • These almost adults are increasingly autonomous and independent – they drive, manage their finances, are taking community college classes, and often have a part-time job.  However, since parents still financially support them and they still live at home, they are still expected to follow expectations of the home and contribute to its maintenance.
         
      • EXPECTATIONS OF THE HOME:
          • Make bed every day + keep room tidy 
          • Keep bathroom clean
          • Prepare own meals (except family meals), clean own dishes, clean up after self in kitchen
          • Do own laundry
          • Always clean up after self 
          • Contribute to cleaning/maintenance of common areas including outside & projects as requested

      • LEARN ABOUT RESPONSIBILITIES OF CAR OWNERSHIP: 
          • Annual insurance, inspection & registration
          • Keeping car clean inside & out
          • Routine auto maintenance:  Rotate/balance tires, change oil & filter, fill fluids
          • Minor auto repair:  Replace windshield wipers, filters, light bulbs, car battery, etc.
          • Maintenance schedule – 30K, 60K, 90K, etc.
          • If they have the skills, some parents may want to teach teens to do more major auto repairs

* Activities:       “Becoming Adult”

      • By this time, parents have raised Men of Honor with a solid foundation of character, morals, self-control, and decision-making and time-management skills.  They are courteous and respectful to everyone but have some close friends.  They consistently respect the rules of whomever’s house they are in.  They have earned the trust of the parents so are given a fair amount of freedom with their time as long as they maintain the family values of academic excellence and a balanced life.
    •  
      • One caveat to this freedom:  Excessive screen time was not acceptable and was seen as a waste of valuable time.  Some screen time was fine, but if the teens had time for numerous hours on social media, video games, or watching TV, they were told they needed to find a hobby, get a job, or become involved with a service organization.  Alternatively, they would be given extra responsibilities at home.
    •  
      • The reality is, with academic demands, a possible part-time job, and possible continued involvement in prior activities, their lives are fairly full.
    •  
      • Service trips to underdeveloped nations and foreign travel are incorporated during these ages.

* Finances:

(See “Teaching Financial Responsibility” for complete detailed information)

      • The burgeoning adults transition to independent financial management at this age – a full description of how this is done can be found in Teaching Financial Responsibility in the link above.

      • After Life Skills Course completed (see Raising Scholars: Spreading Wings), teens’ monies are combined and redistributed into checking account with debit card and checks, savings account, and investments.  They are given a “convenience” card (AKA credit card) for their use.

      • Teens learn a number of financial management skills such as:
          • keep receipts,
          • balance checkbook & bank statements,
          • write checks,
          • verify credit card charges on statements,
          • pay bills on time both with checks and online, and
          • maintain important papers in secure location (we used an accordion portfolio).

They also learn dangers of debt & overcharging the credit card, and the importance of building and maintaining good credit.

      • Part-time job obtained.  Most of this money deposited into Savings Account.

      • At age 17/18, parents reveal the financial situation going into college:

          • available money from college funds (enough to cover essentials), and

          • expenses they will need to cover such as car insurance, phone bill, food, “fun” money, clothes & other personal expenses.

As a young adult, they will need to manage all of this.

      • Parents mentor teens in these matters but allow teens to assume responsibility for their own finances.  Parents have invested many years teaching them how to be responsible with their finances, stay out of debt, and build wealth, now it is up to the burgeoning adults to use these skills.

* Education: “Spreading Wings”

College Credit in high school:

Scholars transition to courses or exams for which they can receive college credit.   Community college dual-credit, CLEP tests or AP tests are options for gaining this college credit in high school.

The scholars become independent in scheduling classes, completing all required academic work, and communicating with professors. 

Parent consultants should encourage the scholars to seek out answers to questions they have and solve problems they encounter by using available resources (almost anything can be found on the internet).  If parents step in and solve the problems for the teens, they are not learning how to find these answers for themselves after they leave home.  

College/Career Planning:

Scholars should also be thinking about life after high school and planning accordingly.   Taking online vocational tests and reading books about college and career planning can be very helpful in this process. 

These two years, they may need to take competitive academic classes, complete standardized tests (e.g., SAT, ACT), prepare college or technical school applications, and/or compile a list of academic classes, awards, leadership positions, and service projects.   Much of this is done in the Life Skills Course required in 10th grade (see Raising Scholars: Spreading Wings).

Scheduling:

Scholars are pursuing college-level academic work at this level so are treated like the college-level scholars they are.   Since their coursework is their “full-time job,” they are expected to treat it as such.

They are free to manage their own time and schedule in a way that works best for them.  However, their decisions must fit in with the family values and needs of other family members.   That is, they must be working diligently on their coursework and maintaining high grades, and they must not interfere with other family members’ study time or nighttime quiet hours.   

Full academic details:

For more detailed information about academic pursuits at this level, see 

* Perks: 

        • Data plan is added to the smartphone. 

        • Low-mileage reliable vehicle is purchased for new driver to use.  If new driver demonstrates responsibility with vehicle in terms of keeping it clean, completing required maintenance, and remaining free of tickets and accidents, the vehicle is given to the driver when he/she turns 18.  

        • Financial independence with oversight.

        • Freedom to manage own time and schedule.

As in adult life, freedoms are tied to responsible behavior.  If people break the laws, they have to pay fines or are jailed thus restricting freedoms.  If they are not respectful, reliable, and hardworking employees, they do not maintain employment thus restricting income.  If they are irresponsible financially, they end up without funds for things they need or want, or end up in debt.  

Likewise, teens are informed if they are irresponsible with their phone, computer, car, credit card, or bank account, parents will no longer provide those privileges or have their names attached to those accounts.  The consequences both short-term and long-term of irresponsible behavior is impressed upon the teen with all seriousness.

Resources

♦ “Owning a Laptop Computer”

♦  “Car Ownership – Things to Know”

♦  “In Case of a Car Accident”

NEXT:  Parenting with Purpose: Flying into Adulthood  (ages 18)