PREVIOUS:  Parenting with Purpose ~ Introduction  (Read First)
This provides overarching lessons & themes throughout the years

Parenting with Purpose: Exploration & Fun (ages 5-9)

Overarching Vision:

Character and faith were of the highest importance in raising our sons.  
We strove to raise well-disciplined and responsible children
with a strong work ethic and hunger for knowledge
who treated those around them with kindness and respect.

Ongoing Reminders for the Parent:

** LOVE is at the center of all PARENTING **
** Model patience, kindness & respect **
** Keep communication clear and simple **

Implementing the Vision:

* Overview:

These years are confusing ones as the once-young children move into the preteen years.  A part of them wants to grow up and be treated like a teenager.  At the same time, a part of them still wants to be nurtured and cared for like a child.  At times, they will stubbornly assert their independence, and later the same day they may need to be held and cuddled. 

From the safety, comfort, and assurance of loving parents
these conflicted preteens
grow into confident teenagers and adults. 

It is in this supportive environment that the preteens start to find themselves and start to separate their identities from their parents.  The skills they were taught in the last stage are slowly and incrementally turned over to the preteen to carry out.  They take on new responsibilities and freedoms with academic work, assistance in taking care of the home, their time, and even their own consequences for unacceptable behaviors. 

Character development takes center stage in parenting and becomes the basis for many decisions.  For meeting family expectations and acting with character, they are afforded more freedoms and privileges.  

Giving small opportunities to exert their independence helps the preteens gain some valuable life experience and learn from their mistakes.  Allowing natural and logical consequences from decisions and choices can be the best teacher as the adolescents learn self-discipline.  

These years are a time of testing, and a time most important for the parents to be consistent with consequences, to maintain open communication, and to build a positive more mature relationship.   The parent role moves toward being a guide and coach to the preteens. 

* Parent Role:    “Teacher & Nurturer” –> “Guide & Coach”

* Behaviors & Discipline:    “Learning self-disclipline ~~ Decisions -> Consequences” 

      • During the first 10 years of their life, children consistently heard the rules and expectations of the house and family as well as the rationale for these.  Consequences consistently followed if these rules were ignored or expectations not met.   By now, these basic family rules and expectations should be ingrained as habits.  Less parental consequences are needed as the preteens exercise more and more self-control.

      • The importance of good character was introduced during the earlier years.  It takes center stage during these years and moving forward.  Any discussion of poor behavior choices is framed around the underlying reflection of character, its effect on relationships, and impact on the future.  (For example, lying destroys trustworthiness and tears down relationships which affects ability of parents to believe the preteen the next time.)

      • An occasional slip-up might occur (none of us are perfect) in which case a courteous reminder is usually all that is needed.  If the slip-up continues, an intervention is necessary.

          • Parents sit down with preteens to discuss the pattern of slip-ups of well-established expectations.  They work with them to :
              1. understand why the slip-ups are occurring and the impact of these choices, and
              2. guide them toward coming up with a solution to prevent them in the future.

          • A change in schedule, becoming distracted, or any number of benign reasons can account for the relapse.  Helping them solve this problem without blame or defensiveness is very important in the evolution toward self-discipline.

          • Once a solution has been determined, the preteens should write down the problem behavior, the solution, and consequences (preferably a consequence they come up with themselves) if they do not follow through on the solution — this should be placed where the preteens can reference it (on a bulletin board, on the back of their bedroom door, etc.)

This process empowers the preteens in gaining control over their behaviors, and they see the parent as on their side wanting to help them. 

      • Though not often used at this age, writing sentences can be helpful to deter behaviors and cement “forgotten” rules if a rule is consistently and cavalierly violated.

      • As related to academic work, excellence and mastery are expected, though this may look different for each individual.  Each preteen should do the best work he or she is capable of, and correct mistakes in order to master the material.   (See Raising Scholars: Establishing Roots for academic goals at this age.)

      • Hopefully, this will not occur, but every once in a while, preteens, while asserting their will and independence, will test the boundaries with egregious behaviors such as lying, stealing, cheating, being sneaky, bullying or assaulting others.  It is imperative that these behaviors are nipped in the bud – not dealing swiftly and firmly with these behaviors will most likely result in nightmarish situations during the teen years.

          • For our family, any of these behaviors resulted in “lockdown” which was removal of all privileges (including screens, toys, pets, electronic devices), and seclusion in their bedroom.  They were allowed out of their bedroom for meals and bathroom breaks.

          • The purpose of this lockdown was for the preteen to spend some undistracted time thinking through their choices and the effects of their choices on others, especially trust in relationships.
             
          • During this time, the preteens would be asked to write about their thoughts and feelings, their choices and consequences.  They would also problem-solve how to handle similar situations in the future.

          • The length of lockdown depended on the degree of the offense and is always with loving intent on restoring the character and relationships.  Initially, the preteens will be very angry and should be left alone, but as they write and journal, it is very important to give them an opportunity to talk with you, the parent, so that the relationship and trust can begin to be repaired.   When you the parent think they have demonstrated a genuine understanding of their choices and the impact of those choices, and the preteen has problem-solved alternative ways of dealing with situations that led the egregious behavior, lockdown can be released, and privileges can be slowly restored as trust is rebuilt.

* Responsibilities:     “Responsibilities Become Habits”  

Repeated Message:
” You know how to keep yourself and your spaces clean & tidy.
Now these responsibilities become habits
done consistently and without reminders.”

      • Hygiene:  
        • wash face
        • brush teeth & hair (morning)
        • shower (evening)     * begin using deoderant *
        • brush teeth (evening)

      • Daily Responsibilities:    (Also listed on Raising Scholars academic goals checklist)
        • Make bed + tidy bedroom
        • Wipe down bathroom sink & toilet
        • Put used dishes at sink or in dishwasher.   Empty dishwasher as needed
        • Take care of one animal  (cat, dog, other animals)
        • Always clean up after self    *Leave area as good or better than you found it*

      • Weekly responsibilities:    (see Chore List in RESOURCES below)
        • Clean bedroom & bathroom  (vacuum/mop, dust, sanitize, etc.)
        • Clean one common area (family room, bonus common room, outside)
            • Rotated among children each MONTH
            • Completed no later than Saturday noon before fun/privileges

      • Assist with occasional larger family projects inside and outside the home

      • Fix own balanced meals for breakfast & lunch.  Learn to prepare basic dinners.     

* Activities:       “Honing Interests”

      • Extracurricular Activities:  It’s important to be involved in extracurricular activities that appeal to preteens’ interests but also ones that add important skills to life (e.g., character, leadership, service, physical fitness, social interactions).

      • Volunteer work & Acts of service:  Equally important is to be involved in activities that help others – for example, volunteering, community service events, helping the elderly, poor, disabled.  Besides benefiting others, these activities can shift the focus outside oneself and combat self-centeredness.

      • For our family, scouts and martial arts were our two primary extracurricular activities at this age – discipline, character, self-defense, leadership, service, as well as specific life-saving skills were part of these programs.   For one of our children, speech and debate became an important and fulfilling skill-building and social activity.

      • Family time:  Continue building family bonds and memories through quality family time together.  Find things you all enjoy doing together and make doing these things a priority.  For us, this was dinnertime, games, movies, and excursions/travel.  

* Finances:

(See “Teaching Financial Responsibility” for complete detailed information)

      • Allowance amount increases.  Additional jobs are offered for extra money.   More frequent trips are made to the bank to deposit “save” money.

      • Ongoing discussions of importance of saving and intentional buying.  Impulsive spending is not permitted.

      • Begin discussions of personal financial goals (e.g., more expensive items preteen would like to pool spend money to purchase). 

* Education:      “Establishing Roots”

      • Preteen academic pursuits are more challenging and take more time.  The emphasis changes from fun to interesting and engaging.

      • Preteens in pursuit of increased independence often want more freedom to manage their own academic schedule.   This is accomplished by providing them with weekly academic goals with freedom to plan their academic day.   Consistent effort towards those goals and doing their best on all their work is expected.  

* Perks: 

    • Privileges including allowance are still based on the preteen meeting the “Big 3” family expectations    (Responsibilities, Schoolwork, Behaviors).     
      (See Parenting with Purpose:  Exploration & Fun and Teaching Financial Responsibility for more details on this.)

    • As the preteens are taking on more responsibility, becoming more independent in schoolwork, and learning self-discipline, they are rewarded with a higher allowance and more freedom on the communal computer to pursue interests.  

Resources

♦  EXAMPLE:  Chore List

NEXT:  Parenting with Purpose: Spreading Wings (ages 13-15)